The Big Gig

Josh Blue

2006-08-10T01:48:00.000-07:00

Hope you cleaned up, betting faithfully as I told you on Josh Blue to win the Last Comic Standing competition.

Joey Gay is the comedian I love most in the world.

Congrats to Josh, who definitely deserves it. There's so much funnyness to him, I'm actually hoping there's a sit-com starring him soon on NBC. He's Screech meets Animal, with Cerebral Palsy. Funny.

Gig is Back with Hell's Kitchen Talk

2006-08-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

What with the new job and housing a junkie, Gig has had trouble checking in. That said, everyone over here got home in time to watch the penultimate Hell's Kitchen. K-Grease getting in Ramsey's face and spouting some venom was as sweet as B-grade reality shows can get. If you didn't see, Kevin got the axe, putting Virginia in the final 2 (we all knew Heather would be). The self dubbed K-Grease lost it and spoke his mind. After Ramsey axed him, he just got face to face with him and said basically, 'how you gona pick her before me, you know I'm better.' Then it stepped up to a bleeped part which I think was 'you got a hard-on for her.' We here at the Gig say, who knows, maybe they bleeped out 'hard dick' or 'raging cock' or even 'bloody erection.' One can only hope. And it may well have been true. Virginia is awful in every way but her looks.

And while she's got a rockin' set of juggs, we don't even see them anymore since there's no more opportunity for the contestants to wear anything hot. Maybe that will change if the final episode is in Vegas. The girls left the kitchen flipping out cause they made the final 2, or Virginia did anyway. I think Heather was more flipping out with the thought 'all I have to do is beat Virginia next week and I'm a resturant owner.' There's no way she saw anyone other than K-Grease being the major obstacle. Red Rock Las Vegas is hers.

Hell's Kitchen Odds Update

2006-07-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

As of this minute on Bodog.com, Keith is the 2nd favorite to win Hell's Kitchen @ 6-5. Heather remains the fave, now @ 1-3 (not 3-1).

But Keith is the only Male contestant left. And the odds on a male winning the contest are +425, aka 4.25-1. In other words, if you think Keith has a little better than 4-1 shot to win, you can't bet him at near even money at 6-5, but you sure can at +425. That's a pretty nice comeback, and Bodog's minor lapse in judgment. Better hit it quick, gaffs like that don't last long.

But it begs the question, does Keith have a legit shot? He can cook, but Ramsey hates his slobbery and 6th grade style and 'tude. Then again, these chefs sometimes come in with all the attitude in the world. Ramsey does. A personal stylist might be all it takes for K-Grease. The other problem is every time he gets a dish option, its steak. I love steak, but can he think outside of sliced beef and sides?

**Update: You had to jump quick, Bodog fixed the odds on Male/Female

2 Sports Stories From The Big Gig

2006-07-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

BB's
Barry Bonds made reporters wait after the game yesterday because he was watching Bobby Brown on Tyra Banks. As singer B.B. sang My Prerogative on TV, player B.B. bobbed his head and sang along. All Gig can say is, awesome. These fucking reporters think they're so important. They're angry because they need to sniff Bonds' jock NOW not in five minutes. Go Barry. If they put you in jail for playing baseball on steroids, the whole American system is a fuckfest. I know I know, perjury, but seriously people. Barry’s facing possible jail time? Even the peeps here at Gig think that's a bunch of old white guys hating the fact that a darkie on steroids is ruining their game. Fuck 'em all Barry. Steroids didn't just make you a really good hitter, they made you the greatest hitter Earth has ever seen. And that's what you are. It IS your Prerogative. Fuck Dirk Dinkle and his notepad and Ray Romano in his Press Hat. He can search for pubic hairs in your jockstrap after Tyra. Much love.

WANG
Charles Wang is the owner of the Islanders. He's made some incredibly dumbass moves in the last few days and is under much fire in the press and from fans. But the New York Post reported today that the first indication that Wang is a nutjob was a few years ago when he suggested a Sumo wrestler would make a good goalie. Guess what? That's pretty good! The only reason it wouldn't work is because they wouldn't be able to move well enough. But the concept is great. It just has to be taken to the next level, and that is, get one of these 1,000+ pound guys who's only good for Jerry Springer and needs to be fork lifted out of their home. If the concept is that the open goal would be mostly covered by the Sumo so he wouldn't have to move that much and it would still be hard to score around him, why not just get some 1,244 lb. guy in the crease, and sit him down on his ass? Forget a Sumo covering MOST of the goal, a guy like that could cover the WHOLE goal. It would work. Just got to see if there's fine print in the NHL rules about a goalie playing the entire game lying on his side. If there isn’t, they’d put it in there after 1 game. Too bad.

Nevertheless, we here at the Big Gig support adding weird ingredients to pro sports, be it batting midgets with a 3” strike zone, lying fatties down in front of a hockey goal, or rubbing illegal unidentified creams on muscles to make them bigger.

Gig on Rockstar Supernova 7-17 Epsiode

2006-07-20T15:19:00.000-07:00

ROCKSTAR SUPERNOVA
It was on? Yeah whatever. The critique segments have got me fed up. They all respect each other in this way. They all respect each other in that way. They all respect what you are saying. They all respect the reply to the respectful comment that was made respectfully. They all respect that these comments are not personal, they're respectful. And they respect that.

And Dave Navarro wants you to know that just cause he rocks, it doesn't mean he can't run a show intelligently, entertainingly, and most of all, respectfully. And he wants you to know it so badly. So very badly. All while making sure to make his little finger out 'V' or pinky-pointer 'V' are pointed at an angle awkward enough to guarantee maximum coolness.

Get to the top 3 already.

Gig on Last Comic 7-17-06 Live Episode

2006-07-20T14:47:00.000-07:00

Ty Barnett was as smooth cool and funny a comedian I've seen. I really had no idea he was that good. Not hacky, not yelling, not cursing or nasty for the sake of being nasty, blue, but clean enough for TV. What a great 5 minutes. Love that final bit, his ESPN Post-Sex Interview. 'Well, I watched a lot of film... I dug deep... I was playing from behind for the most part.'

Chris Porter worked hard in his set, but I didn't think he merited the standing ovation he got. He came out hard, worked the material, but his competition set in an earlier episode was just better. He didn't work up as much of a sweat, he wasn't as pumped, but it was just funnier. Stand-Up Comedy just isn't football or singing or dancing. Being pumped isn't always as good as finding a special level of finesse. Depending on your comedy style, of course. That said, I love this comedian. His look, his delivery, his material. I think he'll place #2

Roz just barked her set. She had a couple of really funny lines, but she lost my support after 2 or 3 minutes of barking.

Michelle sucked, but I felt a little bad for her. I think she used all her "A" material to survive challenge after challenge. No one else had to survive that many challenges and still had plenty of tried and true material to use as new to the home viewer. I guess Michelle worked out some new stuff between the taping of the last show and this live show, as all the comedians did, but it just wasn't good stuff. Her punches were not landing, cause they weren't that good.

Josh Blue has this competition in the palm of his hand. He has the appearance, the delivery, the material, the Palsy, the self-deprecation about the Palsy and a great way about handling it. He also has 2 more things I hadn't seen before. 1- His voice alone is funny. He has a little bit of Screech from Saved By The Bell. He can make you laugh by cracking his voice like a goof and it barely matters what he says. 2- He either has new confidence or thinks he's got the competition wrapped up, because he now has the stage strut of an absolute winner. He's beyond relaxed, he's almost endearingly cocky in knowing how funny he is. On this last live set, it almost seemed like he came out with 3 minutes of material, but knew that he could play with the audience and ride laughs to get him the rest of the way, so he just played it smooth like a winner.

And finally on Blue, that Gabriel cel phone gag was one of the biggest slam dunk moves I've seen in from a Stand-up Comedian OR a reality show contestant, he knew the audience and nailed it with exponential cleverness.

Porter was Blue's biggest competition, and he took a slight step back with this last set, not to mention possibly losing some voters doing so much Jesus material. Blue has this in his back pocket. I'm officially counting my chickens, but I really don't see any way he loses. He could rip 2 bombs in the coming weeks and still sail to the finish. And that ain't gonna happen anyway. Can't you just see NBC giving him a Sit-Com? He'll win, he'll get a show, and it will actually air for a few seasons for the first time ever from an LCS comedian. I'll say it right now...

Congratulations to Josh Blue, your Last Comic Season Three Winner
-Big Gig, 7-20-06

The Big Gig on Hell's Kitchen 7-17

2006-07-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

One thing about just about every reality show other than Survivor, its frustrating watching week after week when you know the 2 or 3 that will make it to the finals. Since most shows are about people struggling with the same endeavor (business, boxing, cooking, designing etc....) when it is clear who the best is early in the running, some of the fun is spoiled.

Take Hell's Kitchen right now. In a way, the Big Gig is pleased with the good handicapping. Gig takes some pride in putting down just a few bucks on Garrett and Sara as early long shots, now that they've made the final 5 and their odds have fallen. The problem is that pride don’t pay the bills; it’s clear that in the end, they cannot win. Even if Sara, for example, the only contestant who is treating the show as a reality show and not a straight cooking audition, managed to make the final 2 (there's no way, but for the sake of blargument) she could never win it because in the end, she's just not a very good chef.

Which just serves to point out what we already knew, that the whole premise of Hell's Kitchen and shows like it are completely contrived. It really is just a big cooking audition, and the slow eliminations are just set up to make it a reality series which unfolds over the course of 15 or so episodes. Really, having each chef come and guest chef at one of Ramsey's restaurants for 1 night would be a better indicator of the most talented chef, but where's the reality show in that? The same applies to just about any reality show to some degree, 'apprentices' could take turns running a business, comedians could just do their acts and be voted on, and so on. The only show where the unfolding is part of the fun, or even the whole fun, is Survivor. If there's immunity to be won, or backstabbing of the strongest by a group of weak players, in any skill test show, all it does is create the possibility of eliminating the rightful best contender from winning. In Survivor alone, that's part of the game, and avoiding that pitfall is part of the strategy.

The Handicapping
K-Grease and Heather coin toss. There it is.

As for the show, it’s fun, but getting a little thin. K-Grease and Heather will be the final 2, and it’s so obvious that the competition is boring. Gordon Ramsey keeps the show going, but is far from great. At this point he has crossed way over the line of a stern but all-knowing master, and dived into the deep end of asshole. A snotty Englishman being artfully sarcastic and condescending is fun, but lines like “shut-up you fat mouthed bitch” aren’t witty, and just reveal him as a prick. Everyone knows the contestant can’t come back at him if they want to stay on the show, and hardcore insults unanswered just land like bricks.

I like K-Grease. He had the best line last week, "hot dogs is slammin'!" Once again this week the funniest moment was K-Grease dubbing himself K-Grease. They should have run with that a little more.

There was a genuine moment, the fact that both teams put together legitimate original dishes for the early competition. Ramsey could see it, as could the viewers. I was surprised at the sophistication from that bunch.

Virginia talking too much is funny. And having the girls win so they could dress up sexy was quite possibly the motivation for Ramsey's decision on the early challenge. He knows that the blue team is going to win it, why not make them grind all day while we get to see the red team get jiggy before they get the ol' boot. Virginia's breasts are nothing less than spectacular. I get the feeling we'll see those juggs again before she's gone.

Gig and EIR on Last Comic and Rockstar 7-11

2006-07-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

Gig was much more into Last Comic Standing than the Rockstar Supernova last night. Something about the nature of reality shows involving singing, dancing, looking hot, or physical challenges, just takes a back seat to stand up comedy. If one competitor is judged to sing or dance better than another, it just isn’t as harsh as an audience or even nastier, a fellow competitor, saying one is funnier than another. Gig has no analysis for the why, it’s just the nature of the sweet science of stand up comedy. Having the contestants say the phrase “I know I’m funnier than ____” is just harsh.

There’s also something odd going on in the betting world when the MLB All Star Game is being played and no one here has any cash action on it, but on Rockstar and LCS combined, we have 5 bets out. I love baseball, but FOX wasn’t even on the radar screen between 9-10 PM last night.

EIR says Chris Porter is probably the funniest comedian of the bunch, but he still likes Josh Blue to win. The bottom line is, when we chat about it, I still can’t remember Chris Porter’s name half the time even though he consistently cracks me up, and wins crowds on the show. Gig keeps referring to him as ‘the Willy Wonka lookin’ guy.’ When it comes time for America to vote, Josh Blue has so much more recognition. Everyone who watches remembers him for the Cerebral Palsy, he’s got a recognizable and memorable name, and he’s also very funny and has an ability to rag on his own nasty condition. People who are reality show fans, not specifically stand-up fans will vote for him, plus he’ll get his share of stand up fans voting for him. Then the rest of the group will be left to split up people who are really voting on who’s comedy they like the most.

Side note here, Gig and EIR were doubly sad to see that the episode after Joey Gay got booted was a roast episode, a venue in which Gay would have shined as an experienced roaster. Plus, had he rocked the roast, he might have not been picked in competition that night, back dooring him into the final group. With a little luck and some good sets, a top 3 or 4 finish wouldn’t have been impossible. Either way, it would have been good to see him roasting his competition on NBC, definitely his forte.

As for Rockstar, Gig and EIR fought over the remote to see too much, but Lukas Rossi certainly didn’t seem as bulletproof as he did in week one. Not that Gig is one to talk, but Rossi’s (physical) shortness kinda came across more this week. He’s still a presence on the stage, but he got critiqued this time, not just ass kissed. Tommy still loves him though, which is huge.

Some other acts?

Dilana singing Ring of Fire- They still love her, we still have her locked in at #2.

Patrice- Sang and played, what we saw sounded really good.

Zayra- The 30 seconds I saw were just plain bad. I missed the band critique.

Jill- If you’re a badass looking girl and you rock out in a white dress, it works cause you seem dirty-hot in white. If you’re already vanilla looking like Jill, you’ve got to dress nasty to rock. The moments I saw of her were better than last time, but it wasn’t working for me.

Chris- Sucking with a great song choice only proves it IS him that sucks.

Magni- Another mediocre performance of a song that didn’t work. Where’s the Iceland punk he’s billed as? Sing MIA, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, the Sex Pistols, hell, even Green Day.

That said, from what I saw, I think the race tightened. Some of the early disasters looked at least a little better and some of the early leaders came back to the pack slightly. But I didn’t see most of the band comments.

"Hot Dogs is Slammin!" EIR On Hell's Kitchen

2006-07-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

Best line of the night has got to be Keith saying "there no shame in thinkin' that was good food, hot dogs is slammin'!"

Giving the chefs crap food in fancy serving dishes and presentation to trick them to think they're getting a gourmet tasting was sweet. They fell for it hook line and sinker. While the first viewer reaction is 'well, you knew they would fall for it,' I have to say that amongst these pro chefs, you could also kinda think the opposite. Shouldn't one or two of them have tasted the cheese soufflé made of straight Cheese Whiz and recognized it from eating Whiz on a Ritz while watching a ball game? I can see getting fooled by the catfish egg 'caviar' simply because they might not have had that much opportunity to eat catfish eggs OR caviar, but some of the others, hot dog paste and other common foods, would have had a better chance of being recognized if there wasn't such fear of Ramsay. No one even considered insulting the food, in fear that Ramsay prepared it and insulting it would be grounds for getting cut, even if at some later time. Chefs are sensitive to their food, even Gordon Ramsey. Instead they all tried to show off, talking about how they understood the intensity and uniqueness of the flavors of, well, dog food.

The taste contest was cool. Interesting how reality TV can create drama with simplicity sometimes, taking contests down a notch rather than up. Like watching physical challenges from scrawny starving Survivor contestants, or clueless blondes play poker on Beauty and the Geek. This blind taste test to see if chefs can ID simple foods like scrambled eggs, chicken, and spinach, along with tougher stuff like urchin, braised short rib, or pear chutney was a great idea. EIR and Gig want to try it, but we don't trust each other enough to get blindfolded and shove food in each other's mouths.

As for Keith, I think at this point he's got to pass Heather as the odds on favorite. Heather is showing some cracks. When you think about the top two from last season, as a viewer I could see either of them running a gourmet restaurant kitchen. This season? Heather might be able to, but only with another solid decade of grinding in kitchens. Other than that it’s only Keith. I have to assume Ramsey sees them as the likely final two, and that's why he gave Keith the pep talk. Keith can run a kitchen but the bottom line is, he's a shlub. What do you do if you're Ramsey? You're seriously going to give a multi million dollar restaurant to one of these chefs, and you're forced to choose between someone who has some taste and skill but is far too green to command a kitchen, and someone who can run a kitchen, but is just a jeans fallin' down shlub who can't come up with an impressive menu, or even be a respected leader. EIR thinks the pep talk from Ramsey was real. He wants Keith to become a better candidate so he can have someone who he respects win the damn thing. On the other hand the pep talk to Rachel was just lip service to move the show along.

Speaking of which, the moment where Rachel botched the Beef dish and tried to make it look medium by putting pink sauce on it was a disaster beyond just what was seen. If she wants a career beyond this show, and she is apparently a pro chef, she could be sunk. Who would hire someone who's main objective at ANY time is tricking the head chef into sending bad food into the dining room? That's like selling bad brown chop chuck under the new pink stuff in a Shop Rite family pack.

Everything Is Rigged also has to believe these shows all have their riggings, in this case, EIR thinks Ramsey is getting to see the kitchen service clips between filming. Why else did he turn around so directly on Virginia? It is because he saw that she was lied to by Sara, and realized that he wrongly blamed her. Her mentioning that the kitchen had two additional oysters just didn't merit the praise he heaped on. It was a makeup call, so to speak. Very likely the same thing with Rachel. EIR gets the feeling someone revealed to him that she was dabbing pink sauce on to cover her tracks, and after she specifically said she wouldn't let him down only two minutes before. He knew the beef was overdone, but he didn't know there was a sabotage attempt. He'd have looked the fool had he booted anyone else, and they can't have that.

ONTO THE HANDICAPPING
EIR says, yeah, I know Keith and Heather are the faves now, but I still don't think Heather's gonna win, even though she's an obscene fave 1-5 before tonight (bet 5 to win 1). Money on Garrett at 25-1 is still the most fun, because he's in the final 6 now. He's stronger than Maribel (even though the odds disagree), who absolutely can't win. He's probably on par with Virginia and Sara, each in very different ways. In fact, even though he's a long shot, it would be possible for Garrett to go all the way, whereas even though its more likely for Virginia to last longer, she absolutely can't win. I can't help but still think a couple of bucks on Sara isn't such a terrible long shot either, just cause she's such a cold blooded reality player, lying and backstabbing. There's actually a way to the finish line for her too, even if it’s a long shot. That way would be if she lies and cheats her way to the top 2 or 3 and then cranks out 2 or 3 great competitions and snags it. Nearly impossible, but at least the possibility exists. She has as good a chance to come up with a good menu as anyone if she gets that far, and we don't know how her kitchen skills are, because the only time we see her, she's purposely sandbagging her own team to get them eliminated. Who knows, maybe she's a whiz when she wants to be!

EIR's official opinion though, albeit with heavy heart, is that Heather is #2 and your Hell's Kitchen Winner is: Keith. All he's got to do is figure out that its his for the taking if he pulls up his pants and acts like a man as per Ramsey's pep talk. I think he will.

EIR Handicaps Rockstar Supernova

2006-07-07T14:24:00.000-07:00

FROM THE DESK OF EVERYTHING IS RIGGED:
Before the show hit the air some of the odds were Luke Rossi 8-1, Dilana 11-1. At the other end it was Magnus at 4-1 and the fave was Matt Hoffer at 3-1. That's right ya'll the very first booted from the show was the #1 odds on favorite at 3-1. And the guy who has to be the odds on fave now was an 8-1 before it started. I can't wait to see the new odds. I'll write updates when they come out.

This show was a bookmaker's nightmare. Pre-show handicapping from Bodog and other entertainment books must have been based on level of fame achieved to that point. Makes total sense, how else are you going to know these people? Maybe some of them have played locally, but there's no meeting point between bookmakers and amateur rock and roll singers or America's taste in them for that matter. Whoever sets the lines must just look at bios and credits. Matt Hoffer opened for Vertical Horizon, The Smithereens, and others. He was a tour pro. Why not put him on as a fave? There's no way to know his whole sound is tilted towards Duran Duran, not hard rock.

He actually kind of reminded me of Billy Corgan as a singer, but after Dave Navarro specifically said to him 'pick a filthy rock song' next time, he went and picked Duran Duran! Idiotic. He wasn't good enough to win it anyway.

Magnus at 4-1 also turned into a handicapper's nightmare. He looks great on paper, famous in his home country, and he's got the right physical appearance. Then he comes out singing Satisfaction, which EIR loves, but even as I sang along to Mick Jagger's lyrics, I knew it wasn't working. He's all wrong, the wrong song, the wrong stage presence, the wrong music sense.

The rest?

Chris: He'll go soon enough. I didn't think it was his Roxanne rewrite that sucked, I think it's his voice and stage movement. There are only 2 reasons he wasn't first to get the ol' boot 1- the band didn't want to double harsh him, telling him he sucked and then bootin' him 2- Matt picked Duran Duran against all sense, which left the door open for the band to not do the painfully obvious.

Dana: Sweet voice, but who cares. She writes little girl poetry. She's not rock. Simply there to look good. It’s hard to say how far she'll get carried, but in the end she has no chance to front Supernova.

Phil: Really not good. Has no chance and won't last long.

Jenny: Closer to Britney than Supernova. She's there to look good and has enough personal credits to open as a 6-1 or better. She might even carry for a while, but even if she wasn't a strictly studio musician, in the end she has no chance to front Supernova. She's not rock and roll. She should cut a teeny bopper meets Canadian Country album.

Storm Large: Catchy name got her opening odds of 6-1. If a book thinks people who want action but know nothing about the contestants will just pick a name, they can't give longshot payouts on a cool sounding name. If it hits, they're dumbasses. I didn't totally hate her, but I put Pinball Wizard in with Satisfaction- just wrong for the show. She might carry for a while cause she's a little rock n rolly, but in the end she has no chance to front Supernova

Jill: Cute little Long Islander. Acceptable singer for a hotel lounge only. And that twirl? Does that have anything to do with hard rock? It's teenybopper. She has no chance to front Supernova and will only carry for a few episodes.

Josh: Could go for a while. At least somewhat of an interesting performer. She Talks to Angels is a big crowd pleaser, though. Let's see a hard rock one.

Patrice: She had a cool sort of Pretenders thing going, but really, she can't front this band either. She could carry for a while though. I think she'll hit the bottom 3, but get to stay. The Band will like her more than voters. With the right song choices I could see a 5th, 4th, or even 3rd place out of her.

Zayra: Evanescence was the perfect song choice, but I get the feeling she can't do anything else, despite the great reaction. And she hit the bottom 6. She has no chance to front Supernova.

Toby: Uninteresting, but voters might like him.

Ryan: He hit bottom 3 at some point, so he can't have a real chance in the end. The fact that I don't remember him can't be a good sign.

Dilana: Her voice is grinding. She's hard. She's got the rock look. She'll finish 2nd.

Lukas Rossi: Is your winner. Its early, but it sure seems a done deal. No one else was really the whole package rock star that he was. I thought he seemed like a dick in the house, picking losers when you're clearly safe is just rubbin' it. That said, it’s a pretty rock star move, and a great reality TV move.

EIR DECLARES DILANA LOCKED FOR #2, LUKAS ROSSI ROCKSTAR WINNER.

Addendum From Gig:
Dave Navarro looks like a freaky muppet. His face physically nauseates me. I can't eat during Rockstar. Now that he's King of the Castle and taking himself seriously, he's nauseating to listen to as well as look at.

The show results seem so cut and dry I can't wait to see the new odds. What do you put Rossi at? Even? Pay 2 to win 1? Put more down to win 1? How far can you take it after 1 performance? I mean there are still 14 people in the contest!

The Big Gig Thanks More Link Searchers

2006-07-07T14:16:00.000-07:00

From time to time we here at The Big Gig like to thank some browsers for their extreme searches which resulted in an arrival at The Big Gig.

Today we thank you, "a bitch in the kitchen rave gig" for your arrival here at The Big Gig! God only knows exactly what you were looking for, but to prove to you that we here at The Big Gig are committed to excellence, Gig has agreed to throw a rave in his kitchen, get at least one bitch there and book a hot DJ so he can have a big gig. Pics will be posted.

Early Big Gig. The Chris Hanson Article: Reprise

2006-07-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

This was on the blog thebiggig.wordpress.com and had fair enough interest to reprint here. Its from a time before snobbery took over The Big Gig, but taking a shit on Chris Hanson in any form certainly feels good.

CHRIS HANSON REDEFINES THE SHIT EATING GRIN

Chris Hansen. I've never seen such a smarmy self-righteous no talent. You've seen this right? "To Catch A Predator." The cops make online chat with child predators, and lure the potential rapists to a house with the promise of pumpin' some virginal 14 year old meat. Then, after a child voiced sweety lures the dupe into the house, his palms sweaty, his penis already growing erect, surprise: Chris Hansen pops out! He has questions ready to go! "What are you doing here?", "What did you plan to do?", "If I may read from your chat online, 'I want to blank you in every room in the house and then I want you to blank the cat.' Did you really want a 14 year old girl to pleasure a cat?" Go ahead Chris. Say it. You know you want to. I can see it in your face.

Besides the obvious thought of how does he do it with a straight face, I usually wind up thinking how the fuck is he so sleazy and high-horsed that I'm rooting for the child rapists?

There is a reason. Chris Hansen doesn't belong there. The cops do, and they are. Chris Hansen on the other hand is inserting himself to get a ratings bonanza under the guise of dishing out some justice in the form of scolding rapists. It’s infuriating. Hella watchable, but infuriating. Gee Chris, really tough spot, confronting a terrified child rapist red handed in front of your own camera crew. Really takin' a chance there. These pathetic blobs are in tears as they realize they're on National TV pokin' around for 14 year old poon. What do you really want them to say as you ask what they're doing there? Everyone knows already. These people have deep problems with the direction that their libido is facing and all you're doing is exploiting criminals cause its easy to hate on them. You're not changing them. You're not punishing them. You're making money off of them in the form of ratings. There's no easier target. Mr. Hansen, you're a dirty fuck.

Don't think this is a deterrent. When NYC developed a plan of putting 'johns' faces on billboards in order to thin the crowds of whores walking on the West Side during the Koch years, that was a deterrent. And believe me, this is where Mr. Hansen's inner strength comes from. The reason he has for telling himself he's so good as he looks in the mirror. He makes himself believe he's making a difference.

So he tells them they're free to go, when really, cops pounce the second they hit the door. It’s a game of tease the rapist. If it was the family of a previous victim, then I say, give 'em free punches. But it’s just a network stiff with a stick up his ass. What he's doing is despicably low, but he does it with people who are so low that he can stoop to the bottom and still be on top, safe and smelling clean. What an absolute loser.

A few years ago Dateline NBC ran a story about migrant workers. They followed one story, one family, across the country as they tried to survive on daddy's occasional berry picking salary. Then, one night, the family's van caught on fine. It was the family's only asset, their transport, and their home. It started as a little fire. The cameraman and reporter filmed as the fire grew, but they did nothing. The family came running back and did what they could to save it themselves. Sure, the Dateline crew could have snuffed the engine fire early on with just a hankie, but that'd be interfering. They must have taken some journalism school ethics class that explained to them why its morally correct to let a family's only means of survival burn to a crisp rather than lift a finger if it is part of a story you're covering.

But wait a minute. Isn't inserting yourself into a police sting of sexual predators, telling them they're free to leave, asking them questions on camera, and morally coaching their sorry asses… interfering? I guess even the freshman level of that journalism class explained that the interference rule only applies if it means prolonging recordable suffering.

I'd love to see every one of the people caught by Dateline NBC set free due to a technicality involving entrapment by a privately owned news company trying to make a buck by putting rapists in a show. What's so frustrating is that if those people were freed it would result in rapes, so I can't really root for that. At least then there could be a story about how NBC's Dateline fucked up a perfectly sound investigation by the Miami police and wound up freeing dozens of rapists.

Then we could all look the other way if the father of a rape victim decided to beat the shit out of Chris Hansen in an alleyway and piss all over his shit eating grin.

Chris you fuck. Just like Cops (whose legality I always thought should be brought to the Supreme court) your Predators show is so fucking watchable. You've caught us all in the double bind. I'd watch bestiality and murder if it was on TV. I'd be first in line. But it doesn't make it right. Don't act like it is.

The Big Gig on Dov D

2006-06-29T03:15:00.000-07:00

One of the links on the sidebar is Cringe Humor.

Dov Davidoff, aka Dov D from when I saw him back in the days on open mike, does NOT belong on Cringe Humor. He's funny. He's a pro. He can deliver.

But when you go on LENO and do a bit about STARBUCKS, you MUST be removed from Cringe Comedy. That's just the price you pay. A small one. By definition, you are no longer a Cringe Comedian. And oh faithful readers, this wasn't just any Starbucks bit, no, this was a riff on larges being called Grandes. LARGES BEING CALLED GRANDES. Why not tell us about fucking airplane peanuts and Andy Rooney? It was ancient in 19 Ninty FUCKING THREE.

Best of luck to Dov. He cracked me up in the little downtown rooms back in the day. Props on the Tonight Show gig. But he did a Starbucks bit about Grandes. Its the equivalent of Ozzy taking a job at Office Max. Get him the fuck off Cringe Comedy.

Judge Penis Pump!

2006-06-29T02:15:00.000-07:00

And no, I don't mean The Big Gig reviews penis pumps. I mean there's a judge who is on trial for using a penis pump under his robe during trials.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060628/ap_on_re_us/indecent_exposure

Got to love him saying 'in 20-20 hindsight, I should have thrown it away.' Your honor, absolutely untrue. There was no need to throw it away, this is America and no one would have a prob with you using it to blow your cock up like a balloon, at home. The problem arrived when you were trying the murder of a baby and you were pumping yourself during the weeping Grandpa's testimony. "Uhh yeah pappy, your toddler was... was... mmm pumped!"

Got to figure this judge would get home and get worked up to Boston Legal, Law and Order Courtroom scenes, and then go for the hard stuff as he reaches for the pump, raw footage of his own court proceedings. I get the feeling for this guy, the drier the drama, the better, "'Your honor, the court would like to submit that Herbert Weinstein be accepted as expert witness for the financial testimony before the grand jury.' 'Oh yeah, expert, oh yeah, pump witness, oh yeah Herbert, so good, soooo goooood, HERBIE!'"

Really, I don't think a penis pump would mar the judge's ability to try a case. The Big Gig has gotten enough BJ's in a car while driving 60+ MPH to appreciate the ability to multitask sex. Party on Pump Playa!

The Big Gig Welcome Wagon

2006-06-28T02:51:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the new home of The Big Gig! After a week of wandering, we have arrived at Blogger!

Here at Blogger The Big Gig (Gig) and Everything Is Rigged (EIR) are settling in. Blogger's initial offer of office space was nice, but we held out for gym memberships and daily body washings. Blogger counter offered a Zen Garden and cash on the barrel, and here we are.

Back at TheBigGig.Wordpress.com, The Big Gig recieved 3 very special visitors, and although we don't know who they actually are, Gig would like to take this moment and salute these people who found The Big Gig by running the searches:

Chris Hanson Entrapment
free fuck Hella Berry
Paris Hilton cocaine

Thank you three for inspiring bloggers everywhere, and especially you 'free fuck Hella Berry'. There's no way this was what you were looking for, and there's no way you had your cock in your pants when you typed that, but damned if Gig and the rest don't well up with pride that you arrived here.

Look here for all your updates on:
Budweiser, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Brangelina, Vince Vaughn, Derek Jeter, Wal-Mart, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Methadone, Peer Pressure, Self Cutting, Self Medicating, Cancer, Brain Cancer, Skin Cancer, Cervical Cancer, Prostate Cancer, Police Brutality, Hookers, Call Girls, Sluts, Anne Hathaway, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson, Taylor Hicks, Catherine McPhee, Elliot Yamin, American Idol, Jeremy Piven, Oprah, Race Relations, Race Riots, Looting Tips, Hamptons, Howard Stern, Beth Ostrosky, Don Imus, Sid Rosenberg, Heroin, Meth, Methamphetamines, Ecstasy, Jack Daniels, Single Malt Scotch, Wine, Fine Wine, Red Wine, White Wine, Beer, Piss Beer, Cold Beer, Mary Jane, Regis, guitar tabs, chords, Dashboard Confessionals, Hell's Kitchen, Last Comic Standing, and any other damn thing you might check out.

Look here for the repost of the dry, drab, preachy original Chris Hanson opinion piece, because it got the most damn hits of anything I've posted.

Also look here for odds, links to pages enjoyed by Gig and EIR, and blogs we dig too. The Big Gig say, screw it, I'm part of a community, and that's the first time I've said community without any sarcasm.

WELCOME!

The Big Gig on Last Comic Standing

2006-06-28T02:39:00.000-07:00

Joey Gay and Bill Dwyer got booted. Good episode even though I was rooting for them. I particularly like Joey Gay cursing Adam Corolla to have a 'square bowel movement.'

Michelle and Chris Porter move on. Now most challenges are 3 acts and 2 go home, so there's no real way to rationalize that Joey or Bill got shafted when really they had more opportunity than most since this time there were 4 comedians and 2 open spots. That said, for those in the crowd who wanted to vote for a female comedian, they had one option only, Michelle. Not that she wasn't funny (her performance was excellent) but before she said word 1, the women in the audience were howling for her. Why not? 3 guys, they want to hear it from a lady. But it means she'll at least get second for sure, and then its the 3 guys battling for the last. Chris Porter slam dunked his set. He was a riot.

I'll say this. If I went to a comedy club, I'd rather see Joey Gay and Bill Dwyer than a lot of comedians they have left in the lineup, but Chris Porter would be right there too, with Josh Blue. And we know how The Big Gig feels about female acts.

Hell's Kitchen and Last Comic are summerstock reality, but I'm frigging hooked.

Everything is Rigged talks Hells Kitchen and Last Comic Standing

2006-06-27T03:38:00.000-07:00

I was howling at HELL'S KITCHEN. I'm completely and utterly hooked. My choice of Rachel at medium odds is looking very stupid, but I still love Garrett at 30-1. He's not going to win but he'll make a few more cuts so at 30-1, I feel like I'm getting value. I should have invested in it at a tradesports.com type site, then I could sell it if he makes the top 5 or 6 at a decent profit.

When it gets whittled to the top 3 or 4 and the people still involved can actually cook, isn't Heather going to be axed? I know she's the odds on favorite, and I know she's 25, cute, and can run a kitchen. But what about actually writing out a menu with refined dishes? If she makes the top 2 I've got to think she'll be an underdog. Then again, I can't even picture who could make it with her. With her young look and spunky personality, she's too good for the show to consider booting yet, even if she wasn't as skilled as she is.

Sara. Sara. Sara. Sara is awesome, but she's not playing Hell's Kitchen, she's playing Survivor. And very well. The lying in the kitchen, and smirking about it on camera? She's the only one on the show who's playing a game, not just trying to win kitchen battles. The move where she screwed her teammate Virginia was straight out of Survivor. The problem is if she actually makes the final 2 or 3, she'll likely be revealed. Then again, her pizzas looked tasty. Who knows, maybe she could strategize early and then compete legitimately late. Man, that kitchen bluff was a cold hearted move.

As for Last Comic, Josh Blue has moved to a 2-1 fave from 2.5. He's the perfect pick. I can't see him losing, even though I'm still shocked at the 30-1 on Dwyer and some of the other guys.

That said, online spoiler rags can be powerful handicapping tools. I just saw a spoiler list of the first 6 eliminated. And since Gig is a comedian, I have my own inside source too. I'll send more on this and the link when I find it again.

The Big Gig is currently @ Wordpress

2006-06-26T03:12:00.000-07:00

http://thebiggig.wordpress.com